Listen.

You can be a wonderful breath of fresh air. You can be that. You can be the loveliest, nicest, sweetest most caring person of all. And that is my problem. Having seen that and gotten that for a bit is my problem. Cz now that I can imagine and I have gotten a taste of that, that is all I want and anything less just would not do.

Its just that.. I am too used to things. I am too used to claiming you and keeping you all to myself. All to my talks, my thoughts, my feelings and yours. And I don’t mind anything as long as its for the right reason. But you never started any of it for the right reason. It was so easy to do henna? To set it all up for someone willing enough to fall for it. But its wrong. Your reasons are not in place. And then you tell me. And I sit quiet even as I feel most furiously protective of her.. I sit quiet cz I know I hold no part in this. And that even her reasons are not in place. And cz I know it might possibly work, even if you lie through your teeth to achieve it. And cz I don’t want to spoil it if it can. And cz she wont want to listen.. and it will severe the feelings between us all.

So I sit and listen. And I feel like screaming but I let you talk and talk and say all you want. Sit unable to do anything but keep looking past the words said, the lines used. Wondering all the time what you really mean and where you stop meaning it all. When the inherent manipulation kicks in and starts tuning into my person and ‘sorting me out, keeping me on track.’ I will let you know though that I cant be sorted out. Not by you and I cant sort myself out just now either. I am not sorry for this, but you should be. For breaking this all up into little pieces I am supposed to swallow and savour. For hurting something true and honest for a pack of lies someone willing enough will believe in.. and the funny thing is.. even they know whats going on but the continue on the high that is hurting so many around them, turning off soo much that was honest and pure.. just cz, just cz your lies can flourish and give you your false satisfaction.

Its probably too late.. I will deal with it. And then you will have to too.

Control.

You cant control me forever.
You can control me now. I allow you. You manipulate. I let you. But it hurts. And you don’t realize. And I wont let you forever. You wont have it forever.

It hurts.

thank you ali. thank you for helping me get through this. thank you for sending me that song. thank you for telling me you like me. thank you for writing that entry on me. when i hurt i crave caring more. and i care more. i care perfectly. i am capable of perfect loving. thank you for caring for me enough to do anything at all. thank you for helping me move on.

like peace coming somehow.. to one in sickness.

kaash theher jaatay..

See i knew na.. i knew na that it wont last. so i told you then and there. Universe in collaboration. mourning my loss before time. i knew.. i knew i will lose it all.

i hate this.

Blood red.

i like the red. Blood red. Dare I be open again. I feel I can breathe once more. Away from your concerns. away from any possibility of you finding out. away from your finding out.. and hurting.. but i need to write. and i am so sad. and i dont want you to know.

So anyway.. heres to the worse of my emotions. jealousy and anger. Heres to crying each night since what? the past month. heres to frustration and dead ends. heres to going nowhere and losing all battles. i will be back soon i guess. till then. cheers.

I am stuck.

Its a dead end road. She told me nothing matters. it should? i care enough? it should? it must?

I cry each day. can you tell?

Jab dil jallay..

Aa shammoun ko, tou phir se Jala..
Aa sansoun mein, tou dil se Na ja..

Paas aanay de mujhay..
Janay de mujhay,
Nainoun kay paar..

Na re na.. na re na..
Mohe geet suna,
Na re na.. na re na..
Mohay meet na manay

Khamoshi ki Lehraien,
Hawa mein na tehraien,
Aa geeton ki lai Ko barha..
Tanha ye mann hai,
Koi khali pan hai,
Kaisay ho pur ye Khala..
Rangon mein Tum ho,
Khayalon mein Tum ho,
Na jannay tuu hai kahaan..

Aa janmoo ki, Tu sun lay kata..
Aa jeewan main, Tu aa kay na ja..

Yaar.. chahoun main tujhay..
Choonay day mujhay,
Sansoon kay Taar..

Na re na.. na re na..
Mohe geet suna
Na re na.. na re na..
Mohay meet na manay

Sitare bhi chup hein,
Nazaray bhi chup hein,
Aa jeenay ka surr tuu bata..
Tu bhi na mannay,
Koi bhi na jannay,
Kaisay ho pur ye khala..
Rangon mein Tum ho,
Khayalon mein Tum ho,
Na jannay tuu hai kahaan.
Khamoshi ki Lehraien,
Hawa mein na tehraien,
Aa geetoun ki lai Ko barha..

Jab dil jalay, jab dil jalay, jab dil jalay
Jab dil jalay, jab dil jalay, jab dil jalay
Naina kehein.. jab dil jalay..

...


love that song.. she knew me well.. too well..
i wish i had you still. and you knew me.. and you wanted to know me..

p.s: i will, always.

sadness

i loved that line. 'if you loved me my pain would hurt you' from her blog. this is the summary of it, yeah. what love is. and what love is is not a choice. of when you can feel for another and when you choose not to. its not a choice.

whenever i get sad enough i go and read his diary. somehow draw strenght from his confidence in his own self. his indiffernce to all he waves aside. so effortless.. it teaches me how to go about things somehow..

i dont think anyone cares. except abbu. he cares a lot. the only one.

:S

Hm and now i ponder..
I feel weird. Knowing too much results in this feeling. I am torn between feeling protective and wanting to be the least cause of bad feelings. Its strange. I cannot go either way. I can just wait and see..

Is it really okay to be foolish?

Theres a difference between love and getting caught in the whirlwind of the moment. Or giving in to someone just because they want it so much. No matter how much they want it you cant let them have something second best can you? When you can foresee yourself not clicking, or foresee yourself as someone they don’t really want. And on the flipside are not really in love with them yourself.

I don’t know why i am talking like this really. At 17 i fell for someone the first and for the last time. Since then i would be attracted but not go beyond that. I would be approached but shut the person out the minute i felt they were interested. I spoiled friendships over this.. cz i wouldn’t give in. and i became the cause of anger and resentment cz two people i knew tried too hard and i wouldn’t budge. But i couldn’t. i couldn’t go for what i knew is not it. I couldn’t just go for something for the heck of it could i?

The hell really. Does the one really exist? My ex is messaging me a lot lately. And hinting and stuff but i have moved on and i sense so has he so why would he talk like that? Just to see? See what?

Become such a cynic i swear.

Haunted

I want to be.. haunted. prayed upon sickened to my core and still go on. i have a mountain of patience. all this has shown me i can be dying and hold my breathe just a bit longer.. that i can freeze myself against this all and suffocate in my cucoon yes. that i can let it all go so it scatters.. in inconsequential peices that will never fit, never complete the puzzle.

He messaged. haunted. I cared. i really cared. i really truly always cared and i cant stop caring now..

wtf really..

You lie to me.

You lie to me. you lie to me all the time.. why? closing your eyes at what stares in the face. and then you dont give me enough credit for thinking. what else is there to do? i think all the time. any given moment my mind is trying to resolve the conflict between the truth and the lies. trying to come to terms with the all consuming addiction that i keep wanting to smash against the wall for it tastes so bitter. I keep longing for truce with this freedom that is hell. This freedom is hell. keep longing for rights i wont voice and you wont acknowledge. stop fucking lyin to me! my day begins and ends with questions. i am tangled in this web of distrust, disbelief, constant questioning, constant putting aside, constant not believing in what i want to believe with all my heart and soul.

This denying hurts. you hurt.

Good vs Evil.

For what is evil but good tortured by its own hunger and thirst?

Pin Drop Violence.

Its fangs are in your flesh.. before its hiss leaves your ears..

Question.

Subtle hints. Ignoring when giving off just a flicker of interest would turn tables. Things coming up in the perfect order at the right time. So smart.. cunning.
No coincidences. How naïve i was.. It was all planned. All planned always..
My first inclination is to take it as it comes. How its supposedly meant.
But now I question everything.

you.

Now the thing.. about missing is that.. it doesnt matter if you are the cause that turned away the person you are missing.. it doesnt matter if you turned them off and you so totally hate that.. it doesnt matter if you have been rude and horrible and mean and cant even tell them now that you miss them.. it doesnt matter if they will laugh at you or they will say yeah right or they will simply get irritated or feel contempt were they to know you miss them.. the thing about missing is that.. you cant listen to your head.. your mind.. you cant tell yourself why you should or shouldnt.. it doesnt care about time or distances.. it doesnt even care about differences. the thing about missing is that.. this feeling just stays.. no matter what caused it.. your own fault or theirs.. and it doesnt go away.. no matter how far ahead the road you have travelled. It keeps taking you back, keeps making you look it in the eye, keeps doing what cant let you turn away..

i miss you so much.

Disoriented.

I am disoriented. Kind of worried. About deadlines and pressures and how i think everything will fall into place and then.. it generally does. but yes. Disoriented.

A loss is a loss is a loss is a loss. But most times it never registers. Cz I never worked to save it.

So yeah a long lecture later.. I worried about life and directions again :/ and tracks and ways. and etcs. sigh.

hmm

Isnt that what always takes place? Where the biggest of things cant collapse a person the tiniest of things do.

Interesting conversation yesterday. & the part where he said nothing is instantaneous or spontaneous but built and nurtured. Quite right. I would do that. I would except for these fairy tale notions still stuck hard in my head. About loyalty that lasts forever. Caring that is not for the moment and doesnot diminish ever. And yeah the one. Always The one. No one else and nothing else would do.

Talk some sense into me :D

Black.

Sanctuary.

Once a long time ago
On a black storm night
I took hold of your hem
And wouldn't let go in fright

You knelt down besides me
And brushed away my tears
Murmering soothing words
You chased away my fears.

Though that long time gone
Is still as precious in my mind
But these days, when i get scared
Its not you who i wish to find..

(14)

Addiction

That is worth wondering isnt it. I am addicted too.. to this memory, this pain. addicted to this oblivion, this disregard. addicted to this loneliness, this listlessness. addicted to people gone, addicted to love hatred, addicted to memories. addicted to all i had and all i lost and addicted to what i will never ever hold.

you should come and punish me my wanderings.

Dont go where i lost her..

She used to sit. And not make sense. She used to sit and tell me she isn’t alright and i didn’t think its this bad. She used to tell me she cant do it and i used to think no.. you can. She used to speak to me. she used words.. she told me. and i wasn’t there for her. I didn’t know. I didn’t help.

Now you don’t speak sometimes. And its just like her.

Sigh.

Grin. i found something i wrote lying about that *should* embarrass me but its not :P Its old, I dont know how old but pretty old :) Here goes:

I don’t have the high fevers of love but I have the dawning realizations of something else..? I live in a world dominated by the deepest of psychological yearning. It’s a need for complete acceptance within rejections. It is a need for utter love with capacity for hate. It is a need that transcends love, passion, understanding, feeling right, feeling like you belong. Its twisting my insides. Knowing that you offer part of it and not all of it is twisting my insides and I don’t know what I want.

I don’t know if I want your touch or your words. I don’t know if I want your words or just your presence. I don’t know what I want that presence to feed; my longings or my fears, my egos or my doubts; maybe all of them. I don’t know if I even want that presence or just an essence of who you are what you are what you bring lingering, close, protective and violent. I don’t know if all I am longing for is only the reassurance of destiny the reassurance of the best possibility.. a soul mate, a fate. I want a fate-decided because to decide a fate is so hard..

You are such a struggle to come to terms with and I don’t know what I am hoping for. I don’t know what I want you to be, a betrayal or a love. A shelter or a storm. The rightest thing I ever did or my worst mistake. You feel so incomplete within your perfection. So lacking within the hold of everything. And the worst thing is, I cant point it out. I cant point out what in you makes me so wary. And because I cant point it out.. just because of that, all the superfluous inconsequential things I can accumulate, I am. Keeping each one pressed under my finger so that where a face doesn’t matter; it matters. Where a back ground doesn’t matter; it matters. Where an age doesn’t matter; it matters. Where how you will ultimately be with me doesn’t matter; it matters.

If only I could point out what in you makes me so uneasy. If only I could say for sure what in you completes me and still doesn’t feel right. If only it wouldn’t feel like such a stop in time with so much uncertainty making me wonder if others stops will be waiting when it all just doesn’t matter.

Its just painful to know you give the same to anyone. I am selfish with my reasons of wanting to be the only one to awaken anything and everything in you and then at the same time that’s frightening. I know you have capacity to give to anyone else to see anyone for who they are and when I walk around each girl woman makes me jealous cz I see what you would see in her.. cz I see what you would like and respect in her.. cz I see what you would want in her.. cz I see what you would love in her.. cz I see what in her will arouse your curiosity and take your attention and what in her will replace me.. And I feel so plain against their uniqueness and I think if only you knew better, if only you knew her you would see the same thing that you see in me and it will confuse you and you will rethink in whom, you want to see that in, more?

For you see you hold the capacity to recognize all the uniqueness and beauty I can see and that makes it so painful. and I feel betrayed even before you ever met her even before you know she even exists and I want to leave but something deeper; underlying; withholding; more concrete and basic seems to say it doesn’t matter. It never will. That you will always come back to me or you will never come to me again and each fate will hold equal weight; each will mean the same thing. Because you appreciated for a while, liked for a while, loved for a while; all of me. That is all that seems to matter but then I don’t want to give away or give up anything. But then amidst wanting nothing, I want all!

I want the you inside that dormant calm collected exterior. I want the you within, that is thinking, feeling, accepting, rejecting, knowing and discarding all the time. I want that in you which goes beyond holding a mere soul or a mere body. I want the you that is suspended in a thought or a feeling, in a sudden understanding or a sudden feeling of love or hate or anger or sadness. I want all of you the whole package and none of that at the same time but what its holding.. I want all your empty promises and all your lies and I don’t need them to be fulfilled and I don’t need them converted into truths but for one thing that you mean them and you mean them with all of your heart and beyond. And perhaps that is how I want to be wanted but then I want to be wanted how you would want me. And then your making me feel all this.. your mattering so much even while feeling unreal; that speaks to me a lot though I don’t want to hear it speaking..

What is this that I am feeling?