Mad world.

"Sometimes we are not meant to do what’s right, you know.. Relax. You are doing fine."

And with that one sentence, explain away the whole misery of a situation..

Sometimes i resent being left out even as i choose to. sometimes i have to stifle the urge to get up and go and let that be that, but go where? i have tightened the net around me myself and now.. i cant move or speak or listen.. now i just want to avoid. i just wish to be invisible.. and yet there are people.. my kind of people..

Sometimes i hate your arrogance, your cunning, your disregard, your complete lack of interest. other times i tell myself i dont care.

i'll miss you like hell :(

i adore faras. i totally completely adore him. and you cant help not doing the same if you knew him. hes like.. the sweetest and kind and caring. and he tries all the while to make you feel good. oh and today he told me he will break my hands if i touched that (which was surprising, why the hell dont i ever know if i am lured into admitting something and should watch out!?) i am so glad he came here.. got to know him so much more and better. and i love love love him! which is a hard thing to get out of a cynic like me. cant help it though hes a jaan.

sigh. if only i were there.

i wish i were you..

i wish i were you. i wish i talked like you, looked like you, expressed like you, smiled and laughed like you.. for better or for worse.. i wish that so it would let me get closer to you.

i wish i were better than this so i could show them how i feel.

Hide you..

If you were in my heart

I'd surely not break you

If you were besides me

And my love would take you

I'd keep you in safety

Forever protect you

I'll hide you away

From the world you rejected

I'll Hide you..

Hide you - Kosheen

Since when?

Since when did i become like this. This is not how i am. This is not what i do. This is so not how i behave.

Quit it.

choice.

Sometimes the need to change something, avoid a threat, take a drastic action, overpowers me to the point of stupidity, insanity. i once picked up a hammer to smash my own bones to pieces (but a fall would not have explained that.) I believe i can murder myself and possibly another if i am cornered enough. the realization is not scary anymore.

No different from anyone else. the difference between all of us lies in choice alone.

Streams of drunken red
Binding this existence
All its mystical entity
In vulnerable
Slight threads of silk
Running like abstract patterns
With no beginning
No end
Entrapping an unwilling spirit
In this fine web..
Of tissues and fiber.
Such fragility
It wont take much
Not a whole lot
To set myself free.

Phoenix

How many moments
Flew me by
And i counted
On my finger tips
The stifled vows
The torched dreams
The silver phoenix
Awaited for
As once again
I set to flames
The barren branches
Of my dreams..

:(

i saw her room. every inch of it was covered by cards or posters or stickers or cuttings.. some memory, some words, left by friends or she herself.. two of the greatest people there to sort it out.. and then there was me.

i met her mom. such an awesome person. and maria.. shes great.. friendly, nice, confident. and faras.. my nicest friend faras.. and then me.. with my freak tendencies.. :( i am sorry.. thank you for letting me in..

i felt like i was intruding but i wanted to know her. i wanted to know.. i did not think of privacy. i couldnot register it at moments and when it did i thought of hasty retreats. i am abnormal. i am so abnormal it hurts.

then i was crying though i tried very very hard not to. i tried so hard so they wont know. cz they werent. but then faras saw. i am so sorry :( i am so stupid. i just couldnot stop thinking how she left so many memories for everyone.. and they let me get this close to her.. and she.. she had books that looked like she made them with the intent of leaving behind some sign that she was there.. she left cards, letters.. her wall :( signatures.. random lines.. words.. i couldnt. help.

Personality clash.

Growing up, the best and the worse thing that happened to me was the need to know you so well, so completely that i started seeing through your eyes, i started thinking along your mind, i adopted your beliefs and did not even look back over the loss of my own.

None of it was conscious or by choice.

How can people spend lifetimes upon lifetimes together and not know the other inside out? Given time don’t we get to understand and know someone - and then - to move beyond that knowledge to being totally familiar with them; their thoughts, their feelings, their behaviours, the explicit, the implicit- all of it.

I wonder why you keep missing the mark. Or if its not the mark or whatever but an adamant refusal to acknowledge or the repulsion of a personality clash. Theres only one thing i am gonna make sure i weed out when i am making the choice.. the personality clash. That reduces two awesome individuals to this.

I hope i make the right choice, in your time you must have too..

Introvert.

Of the chronic kind.

Mergirl

Two weeks away
Feels like the Whole world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same

I think I'll leave it tilltomorrowtounpack!
Try to forget
For one more night
That I'm back
In my flat
On the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch the sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But Why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but
I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
Run a bath and then clear up the mess i made beforeIlefthere
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that
I could get
on the plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To real life where I can watch the sunset
And take my time
Take all our time :)

Two weeks away,
All it takes
To change and turn me around
I've fallen
I walked away
And never said
that I wanted to see you
Again

This song is close close close to my heart for reasons more than one :) Love love love dido!

Hip skip hop scotch. Crazy dancing tonight between the waves in the enthralling rapture of the night.. sigh. that sacred ritual of ours :) lighting candles in lotuses floating away into the moonlight. Come and i shall show you how free it is to laugh.

i think i'll finally see a mermaid tonight :)

I want to write..

Anne Rice, i love how she writes. I wish i could write like her. Each sentence is beautifully fashioned, thought provoking, lyrical, romantic. Her writing is infinitely exquisite.

I love drawing conclusions. I could be watching a flower bobbing in the wind and want to draw something out of it. I could catch a subtle expression or a fleeting glance and subconsciously all my attention would be invested in registering immediately what it means and why. I love figuring out feelings, emotions, thoughts.. people.. Or connecting meaning to seemingly structured, routine things that we do. Constant requestioning- reevaluating of norms, those routines that make us numb to what a complete revolution it actually is to come to where we are right now. A second nature.

I want to write. Nothing gives more pleasure than to write; express though not necessarily explain. The problem with explanation is that you lose the magic of curiosity, the exhilaration of coming to a conclusion and then the value you attach to that final concluded meaning, so no.. i don’t like reading explanations as such as i like implications towards one. writers like Khalil Gibran. I am in love with him, his mind. The curious labyrinth of thoughts he seemed perpetually lost in. I love him for that. For being a lost soul trying to make sense of all that surrounds him.

So yes i want to write. I want to express. Something i do a lot as it is but that’s just journals i code words and thoughts and names and feelings and emotions in so that even if one is caught, it will confuse the hell out of whoever tries to make sense of it.

But real writing.. real awe inspiring writing. One that moves me, one that captures emotions and captures them beautifully.. that is what i want to do more than anything.. but then sometimes the words i am looking for don’t come to me or when they do then in their form and structure the very feeling is lost. That, and there is nothing i can think of to write on. Well actually, there’s nothing and then there is all the things in the world. Anyone can probably write on anything under the sun, i think. anything that touches our lives, or feelings or thoughts. But a writing that carries feelings.. that is not only thought provoking but is vibrant with the sheer sincerity of the writer. that communicates across the utter belief in his/her own words, writings that have captured the feelings of those who wrote them, while they wrote them.. almost sacred those, and those are the ones i want to be able to do..

2005

Its gone. The year is gone, the time is gone and i want it all back. How can you be sitting with me, making fun of me, of yourself, making fun of life itself and then be gone? Just like that? Where are you?

How can days be passing. you arent here..

Late huh? always gone by my own clock. Just know i dont want to step into the next moment. Not without. Never without. Cant without.. and i ask, always have asked for the impossible henna Allah? are You mad at me? i give plenty of reason to.

i miss her Allah.

"I am a destroyed creature thats destined to be alone
For my true colours cannot ever be shown
Do you think you could understand me, just for a day
& see that I am imperfect in such an unusual way
I can't apologize for the things that I say & think
as I had rather dismiss you faster than you could blink
Don't pretend that you know how it feels to be me..
Because you cant possibly comprehend everything that I see
If I had to explain my hatred too
There'd be no time left to kill you."

Post following little over an hour of pacing.

Okay this post was due. Tense as i am for reasons, mentioning which, would ultimately threaten this sanctuary of thoughts, this is not simply me venting off a truckload of nervous energy which for years now has been curbed with furious pacing in the wee hours of the night.

Anyhow, i am an idiot when it comes to certain close relationships. A stranger sure, i can handle any stranger with all the confidence in the world but gah at people i care the world about getting the best of me.

This is not however how i meant or wished to start this post. So i will write what i wished to write in another post. Just that it was most important to me to instantly click when i met this certain much loved net friend of mine who came recently to Pakistan. And what do you know, we clicked.

the real difference.

Reserved Kindness. Reserved sincerity. Quotas worth of trust and love. We all change in time rendering the sincerity, the affection the love of the moment meaningless. That is why i dont want to believe, to expect. That is why I dont want to be so sad when you go away. The reason why i dont- wont let you know whats precious to me beyond the now and the present. That is why i used to think that this all doesnt matter and the minute we both come to light, standing in Stark differences, ideas, thoughts, philosophies. It becomes so clear.

Salvation. I want thoughts and words to be able to nurse my heart. not now. i dont need it. not when i dont think much. later..

And you were so right.. its no ones damned business. all our own.

Went to friends for a study session and boy, a 20 minutes drive is more draining than a 5 hour rigorous study session with friends, any day. The shortest distance between where you are at and where you need to speed to, is bound to be traffic jammed or under construction. It is your fault of course by virtue of being a girl/woman alone, if a 12 year old, driving a truck sized vehicle bumps into your car from behind. (Oh but even if its your fault you can probably find some way to blame them motorcyclists!) Must always remember that a right becomes a left on the way back. Oh and switching from oil to gas in the middle of the road with a couple of cars behind is so Not a bright idea. Also its about time i learned the nuts and bolts of exactly why a car dies out and whether or not it really does have a choice in the matter instead of relying on my absolute confidence as a woman driver (tarnished as our reputation are) to count on all possible randomers to rush to my aid.

More later.

Discovery of the day.

Wandered off in search of godknowswhat and found this For obvious reasons, i love the lad already.

grr

I feel mean. i want to snap off at someone whose done something Worth snapping off at. Stupid people who never harmed anyone are swarming everywhere. Geewhiz wouldnt kill you to be mean once in a while. Right Now would be nice!

Where are all the bullshit deserving people when i want them around, huh?

Welcome back.

'when our hearts are alive we are more than ourselves'
- Salt & Saffron

Began in December and lasted an year. An year in which i lived a lifetime and a half. Enigma, that.

So really, i believe in quick quick pardons. As long as the person doesnt make me feel uneasy and/or i feel there's too much of a personality clash to survive another shot at reconciliation, I forgive and forget fast enough. Cant be bothered with keeping distances. Its a drain. Needless, really. Oh and on that, needless my girl, to imagine that you wont be forgiven. Well actually its the 'howevers' that keep me rooted to the spot, the well if you will or wait, this be the best, the shadows.

EID MUBARAK Everyone!

er a day late but heck didnt get time! Have a wonderful day two whoever reads this!

half past-

And then there are your vices
Your unfathomably cruel devices..

Sorry for the themes on repeat but whoops who am i kidding, i am so not sorry. My mind is quite, yes there is that word again, ensnared.

Imagine, how perfectly.. idiotic all this chance occurrences chance meeting business is. Its easy enough to walk that path or this or those, i don’t mind, but only from afar. The key word being, afar.

Its fun you know. Fun to wave it all aside to amusement, to indifference. Just fun to think oh, i will straighten that up when its my time (wont i?) but for now.. Hah, who cares!

I am just.. thinking :) and not quite sure what.. no to what extent i want to think this..

Wouldn’t do, wouldn’t wouldn’t do to get trapped in that :) wouldn’t do at all..

Caffeine

Went out today and met two of the sweetest people ever! :) well the whole group IS nice, me included hehe, but man it was sooo comfortable! So Cool :) Okay not that Tbee would be reading this but girl! I approve of the match, heartily. A guy who cant resist a child selling something is Top class material. He’s kind :) i like!

And my dear ullu :) proved all my anxieties wrong. The sweetest cutestptutest person ever! Of all people i did not want any awkwardness round bout the rabbit and i didn’t find any! We went to the caffeine all 5 of us and later i dipped into the sea just like i wanted to :) fg followed :P i did get those white white shoes all dirty but Oh what of a bit of sand when you can be one with the sea!

Thank you Lord! Watch over them all please, Ameen. And me too. Oh Everyone I know! Thank you!

Alive

brr its cold! and i's hyper. Transformation my dear, rejuvenation! I feel like hopping, skipping and running. I feel like sea diving and swimming! I feel like thunderstorms and raindancing, hype so much hype, i am so happy to be, happy to feel, happy to be so high! happy to be, yes, Alive!

Theres no happiness like the happiness i get from being loved in a way that is innocent and pure like a child's! Loved with no mind games, no conditions, no ifs and buts. Where there's no sense of duty to uphold, no obligations. Just love!

i can smile my life away in this affection.

!!!

OMG!! I found my long lost-in-the-same-city cousin on orkut! No, to be exact he found me! 13 year old twerp can hold his own with anyone. He and his sisters used to be my favourite.. its been 4 years.. MashAllah, they are all grown now. How the families get turned. Stupid issues make us lose precious time together. We are not gonna live forever are we? Elders can be silly and God save them from their egos! Why keep adding concrete to whats gonna crumble and fall eventually? Ho well, i can decide who i want to pamper, yet!

Thank you so much, Allah Miyan :)

On another note.

I found three people from my own university on blogspot.. all in close proximity. Three people i am sure i have talked to atleast once. Could have led to a whole circle of them but gave up looking on this slowmoe net speed. Not to mention dozens i know personally otherwise through some other connections. this place is quite populated.. So far i have avoided it all.. or not quite. couldnt resist a careless slip. hm.. wouldnt hurt to be more careful. too private for my own good perhaps but thats that.

Pre-destiny.

Sometimes when we talk about something it becomes more real than it was before. Sometimes our own confessions bind us, our own words spoken out loud or carelessly scattered, trap us. Just like our beliefs make us walk those directed paths.. theres no destiny.. theres pre-destiny. our own self created snares.. of things going how they "should go" of a past carrying on into the future running along a predetermined system from birth till death ending in 'inevitable' results because we just dont choose otherwise.. and when we choose otherwise.. we get caught in another snare, defined on another level, in another way leading to where it would, where it should. Destiny dips into free will and becomes predestiny heh. I am going crazy.


"Theres a wrong choice and a right one."
"The very fact that there is, a Right & a Wrong, IS Predestiny"

.

I cant sleep. i cant shake off this horror. i cant go hug ammi. i am afraid she wont stay. i want her to stay. i cant shake off ayesha from my mind. i cant shake off how she lay for months, from one hospital to another, one icu to another, one shunt operation to another. i cant block the pain she was in from my mind. i cant block how she must have felt not knowing what will happen. i cant block how there was no escape. From the disease, from the pain, from the hospital room with nothing to do but think. The brief period she came home she kept touching the walls, her things, her stuff and she kept crying. She missed home. i miss her so much. i cant stop thinking of what has happened to her. i don’t want death for anyone i know. Not my parents. No one. I don’t want time to pass. Please Allah restore my faith. i cant shake off this terror. I want to talk to someone. i want to talk to faras. he would know what its like. Allah please come back in my heart. I don’t know any better. I don’t know all i imagine and pretend. I cant see the whole picture. I am sorry i strayed. Please come back..

HIM

Oh my Baby, how beautiful you are..
Oh my Darling, completely torn apart
You're gone with the sin my Baby and beautiful you are
So gone with the sin my Darling

Gone with the Sin - HIM

This song drugs me. Freaky. Lovely.


Solace. Its not in me. you build it up to smash it to pieces later. Its not in you. You are such a child.. and we are the ragdolls you keep throwing against the wall.

oh well. i miss all my illusions anyway. i wish i could construct them on my own.

outside, tired of looking in.

Why do we even bother? To materialize- to attempt to materialize our thoughts and wishes and dreams. Why do we even bother when there is no destiny no free will. Why do we bother when no one cares and what we care about is reduced to this. To nothing. To whims. To superficial criterias. I hate it all.

Story

When it came about, it was not really a story. It was more a clamouring of ideas and thoughts that would not let me be, would not let me sleep for hours on end. Finally, they had to be put down.

My thoughts are falling all over each other. I can touch and taste them in the brilliant quick silver of their conception but by the thought of marterialization they are drab. already.



It swirls about her feet as she steps over the years..
Silence.

Kaash

Kabhi tou millo gaay
Kabhi tou kaho gaay
Hum jo youn Na jatay
Kaash tehar jatay..

Kaash- Call

Love this song. Even though it makes me think of you. Or maybe just because it makes me think of you? The feelings might be gone or muted or hidden or buried, whichever, but it makes me wonder if you regret. I did then. for months. no, for years. I just wonder what would have happened.

Advice..

All illusions look pretty. Anything far far far far off seems perfect.. Get closer.. Reality.. is so much different.

fool...
dont break that heart.

I speak to you in riddles.. when my words get in my way..

I sometimes feel as if you can understand every word i say, every letter i write, every look i give.. i sometimes feel that you can read my silence when i draw into myself, read all i am thinking silently, secretly, positive of the security of my own mind.. read it as easily as it were imprinted on my skin. And i, who claims nothing as aggressively as my own as the right of my own thoughts, the sanctuary of my own mind, the protection of my comforting secure privacy that lets me be my own comforter, my own healer, my own punisher; lets me be the judge of my weaknesses alone and no other to share any part.. love that..?

And i wonder at my own flight from what grabs my attention the most. My shying away from what interests me like no other. Why..? i want to remain hidden in the shadows. i want to know everything and not give away a bit.. i would give you my open interest, all my curiousity, my wonder, my attention.. my affection.. as long as i dont catch any of yours.. why..

To know when to ignore.. when to love.. when to tell off and when to protect.. when to laugh at.. when to laugh with.. when to talk and when to listen.. when just to comfort and just when to turn away.. i sometimes wonder at your art.. and mine.