Bubbles

We all live in bubbles. our own bubble of a world with its beauty, distinction, comfort, luxury, privilege, goals, aspirations, failures and successes.

and sometimes that bubble comes in comparison with another, and.. well. pops. or almost nearly pops. and sometimes its so inflated, that there is nothing we can see beyond the warped walls, all molded to suit our view.

There are certain instances in our lives that we personally hail as achievements. one we ourself are proud of, not the world, though that extra thump on the back is certainly a bonus. achievements we personally like and admire. one that you secretly think, changed your whole world around.

i am living an amazing life. I am paid extremely well, i live with my brother so have family at hand, nothing is expensive or out of reach, i regularly go out now to enjoy the beautiful sites and sights and places that has this place flocked with tourists. my work life is amazing, my company values me cz of instances where i went out of my way to return a profit, i work from home, which means depending on what i have to do.. i can take it really easy and just chill the whole day while at home or work like anything.. i sometimes worry that this level of ease is unhealthy.. and that i am gonna see hard times to make up for this amazingly tension free/no work time..

but as my brother pointed out, maybe this is the reward from Allah AFTER the hard time of running about all over the place that i did in january and february.. maybe.. though i dont even remember that as a hard time now.. i dont remember anytime as being hard time now..

and yes this is the bubble i am living in. an amazing amazing bubble, that i got the opportunity to be in due to no real hardwork of mine, but of my fathers.. though when i got here.. i gave it my all.

And this is the 2nd achievement, after qualifying SAP, that i am personally, extremely proud of. Even more so because of the happiness i know it gives my parents each day.

annoyed.

i am annoyed. to be so dependent on another when i want to go out. so extremely annoyed.

win.

you say this. i say something back. its got really simple rules. who hurts the other more, wins.

so win. but you dont, cz i wait till you come crying back saying sorry. and then i win.. but i dont, cz you do the same thing again.

i just want to know who wins in the end.

random facts.

sometimes i forget my age.

most times i feel like i am sleepwalking through life. like i am in a haze i cant snap out of.

i forget events, what i said, what they said.

i hate repeatedly explaining myself after the first unsuccessful time i generally have given up on gaining any understanding.

i expect people to automatically know my intentions, which are usually good, for the record.

i get fixated on things in my own head for no reason.

i used to dislike myself when i was a teenager and would beat myself up, till i learnt not to care.

by myself, i cry on anything that hints at emotional cz i feel moved to the core. yet, i am the most hard hearted person i know.

i follow a very strong sense of right or wrong.. which comes as a result of what i think is justified, and what i feel is not. and i mostly do things i should.. not what i feel like, or can.

i scare my close friends. i think.. all of them.

i am very open and friendly naturally when i am around people. but i think i am more me when i am alone and thinking.

of all things, i hate arguments the most. i would do anything, disappear if i could, to avoid arguments.

i have a really bad, really mean, really disregarding, totally insulting and demeaning anger when i feel its justified. yeah i think thats what scares them.

i feel a lot but i am unemotional too.. maybe my switch is off.

Justify this.

I am so angry I want to cry.