Sigh.
Grin. i found something i wrote lying about that *should* embarrass me but its not :P Its old, I dont know how old but pretty old :) Here goes:
I don’t have the high fevers of love but I have the dawning realizations of something else..? I live in a world dominated by the deepest of psychological yearning. It’s a need for complete acceptance within rejections. It is a need for utter love with capacity for hate. It is a need that transcends love, passion, understanding, feeling right, feeling like you belong. Its twisting my insides. Knowing that you offer part of it and not all of it is twisting my insides and I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know if I want your touch or your words. I don’t know if I want your words or just your presence. I don’t know what I want that presence to feed; my longings or my fears, my egos or my doubts; maybe all of them. I don’t know if I even want that presence or just an essence of who you are what you are what you bring lingering, close, protective and violent. I don’t know if all I am longing for is only the reassurance of destiny the reassurance of the best possibility.. a soul mate, a fate. I want a fate-decided because to decide a fate is so hard..
You are such a struggle to come to terms with and I don’t know what I am hoping for. I don’t know what I want you to be, a betrayal or a love. A shelter or a storm. The rightest thing I ever did or my worst mistake. You feel so incomplete within your perfection. So lacking within the hold of everything. And the worst thing is, I cant point it out. I cant point out what in you makes me so wary. And because I cant point it out.. just because of that, all the superfluous inconsequential things I can accumulate, I am. Keeping each one pressed under my finger so that where a face doesn’t matter; it matters. Where a back ground doesn’t matter; it matters. Where an age doesn’t matter; it matters. Where how you will ultimately be with me doesn’t matter; it matters.
If only I could point out what in you makes me so uneasy. If only I could say for sure what in you completes me and still doesn’t feel right. If only it wouldn’t feel like such a stop in time with so much uncertainty making me wonder if others stops will be waiting when it all just doesn’t matter.
Its just painful to know you give the same to anyone. I am selfish with my reasons of wanting to be the only one to awaken anything and everything in you and then at the same time that’s frightening. I know you have capacity to give to anyone else to see anyone for who they are and when I walk around each girl woman makes me jealous cz I see what you would see in her.. cz I see what you would like and respect in her.. cz I see what you would want in her.. cz I see what you would love in her.. cz I see what in her will arouse your curiosity and take your attention and what in her will replace me.. And I feel so plain against their uniqueness and I think if only you knew better, if only you knew her you would see the same thing that you see in me and it will confuse you and you will rethink in whom, you want to see that in, more?
For you see you hold the capacity to recognize all the uniqueness and beauty I can see and that makes it so painful. and I feel betrayed even before you ever met her even before you know she even exists and I want to leave but something deeper; underlying; withholding; more concrete and basic seems to say it doesn’t matter. It never will. That you will always come back to me or you will never come to me again and each fate will hold equal weight; each will mean the same thing. Because you appreciated for a while, liked for a while, loved for a while; all of me. That is all that seems to matter but then I don’t want to give away or give up anything. But then amidst wanting nothing, I want all!
I want the you inside that dormant calm collected exterior. I want the you within, that is thinking, feeling, accepting, rejecting, knowing and discarding all the time. I want that in you which goes beyond holding a mere soul or a mere body. I want the you that is suspended in a thought or a feeling, in a sudden understanding or a sudden feeling of love or hate or anger or sadness. I want all of you the whole package and none of that at the same time but what its holding.. I want all your empty promises and all your lies and I don’t need them to be fulfilled and I don’t need them converted into truths but for one thing that you mean them and you mean them with all of your heart and beyond. And perhaps that is how I want to be wanted but then I want to be wanted how you would want me. And then your making me feel all this.. your mattering so much even while feeling unreal; that speaks to me a lot though I don’t want to hear it speaking..
What is this that I am feeling?
I don’t have the high fevers of love but I have the dawning realizations of something else..? I live in a world dominated by the deepest of psychological yearning. It’s a need for complete acceptance within rejections. It is a need for utter love with capacity for hate. It is a need that transcends love, passion, understanding, feeling right, feeling like you belong. Its twisting my insides. Knowing that you offer part of it and not all of it is twisting my insides and I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know if I want your touch or your words. I don’t know if I want your words or just your presence. I don’t know what I want that presence to feed; my longings or my fears, my egos or my doubts; maybe all of them. I don’t know if I even want that presence or just an essence of who you are what you are what you bring lingering, close, protective and violent. I don’t know if all I am longing for is only the reassurance of destiny the reassurance of the best possibility.. a soul mate, a fate. I want a fate-decided because to decide a fate is so hard..
You are such a struggle to come to terms with and I don’t know what I am hoping for. I don’t know what I want you to be, a betrayal or a love. A shelter or a storm. The rightest thing I ever did or my worst mistake. You feel so incomplete within your perfection. So lacking within the hold of everything. And the worst thing is, I cant point it out. I cant point out what in you makes me so wary. And because I cant point it out.. just because of that, all the superfluous inconsequential things I can accumulate, I am. Keeping each one pressed under my finger so that where a face doesn’t matter; it matters. Where a back ground doesn’t matter; it matters. Where an age doesn’t matter; it matters. Where how you will ultimately be with me doesn’t matter; it matters.
If only I could point out what in you makes me so uneasy. If only I could say for sure what in you completes me and still doesn’t feel right. If only it wouldn’t feel like such a stop in time with so much uncertainty making me wonder if others stops will be waiting when it all just doesn’t matter.
Its just painful to know you give the same to anyone. I am selfish with my reasons of wanting to be the only one to awaken anything and everything in you and then at the same time that’s frightening. I know you have capacity to give to anyone else to see anyone for who they are and when I walk around each girl woman makes me jealous cz I see what you would see in her.. cz I see what you would like and respect in her.. cz I see what you would want in her.. cz I see what you would love in her.. cz I see what in her will arouse your curiosity and take your attention and what in her will replace me.. And I feel so plain against their uniqueness and I think if only you knew better, if only you knew her you would see the same thing that you see in me and it will confuse you and you will rethink in whom, you want to see that in, more?
For you see you hold the capacity to recognize all the uniqueness and beauty I can see and that makes it so painful. and I feel betrayed even before you ever met her even before you know she even exists and I want to leave but something deeper; underlying; withholding; more concrete and basic seems to say it doesn’t matter. It never will. That you will always come back to me or you will never come to me again and each fate will hold equal weight; each will mean the same thing. Because you appreciated for a while, liked for a while, loved for a while; all of me. That is all that seems to matter but then I don’t want to give away or give up anything. But then amidst wanting nothing, I want all!
I want the you inside that dormant calm collected exterior. I want the you within, that is thinking, feeling, accepting, rejecting, knowing and discarding all the time. I want that in you which goes beyond holding a mere soul or a mere body. I want the you that is suspended in a thought or a feeling, in a sudden understanding or a sudden feeling of love or hate or anger or sadness. I want all of you the whole package and none of that at the same time but what its holding.. I want all your empty promises and all your lies and I don’t need them to be fulfilled and I don’t need them converted into truths but for one thing that you mean them and you mean them with all of your heart and beyond. And perhaps that is how I want to be wanted but then I want to be wanted how you would want me. And then your making me feel all this.. your mattering so much even while feeling unreal; that speaks to me a lot though I don’t want to hear it speaking..
What is this that I am feeling?
posted by Chrysalis at 11:17 PM
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