And the one thing i wanted..

.. is to be less cruel, more human, less this animal that i see myself turn into day by day.

i hate cruelty, i despise cruel people, and i see it in myself everyday. and i hate this deserving self hate.

Its all a choice, why do i keep choosing to be the inflicter.. and the reasons.. to ward off your inflictions.. why does it sound so very wrong?

i want to go away somewhere where i cant do this anymore. i want to stay away from anyone i can do this to, who can do this to me.

Dont they know i am capable of hurting back worse than i am ever, and that fucking pains me more than they ever can..

Wtf, i sound crazy to me.

Purpose.

I got a question today.. its sort of what i have been wondering.. for so many years now..

'Do you ever feel like your life is meaningless? It has no drive, no reason, no purpose?'

And i do.. i have.. for so long now that the yearning to find something worth feeling for, the place where all the peices of life would fit, make sense.. the need to search for it all, i have lost even that.

What is the purpose, God? I am a waste of your creation that someone more deserving, more on the path, moving in the right direction, any direction could have profited from..

16th May 2009.

Today marks one of the worse, most miserable days, of my existance.

Now if you are done being self rightous, done being so 'kind' to the retarded toddler who couldnt make her own way home, done stroking your selfish ego, imposing your will by brute strenght all else failing, telling me what to do, how to do it, crowding my space by being forceful, my words not enough to ward off the unwanted..

If you are done having me scream like the mentally challanged retard i am, done seeing the horror i hold in me, done making me feel my most selfish, my most miserable, my most cruel, my most awful on one of the choice days ..

I will mark this day. to us.
Cheers.

And at times I cant WAIT

.. to get out of here.

For there are people I want to avoid for good. People i cant stand to be around even as i give them the best of my compassion.. a choice to show compassion.. when i could just as easily rip them apart. But how could I.. when fate dealt them a blow way more severe, way more tragic, than I could ever. My anger is lost in feeling.. bad.. Cz after all, thats not what you deserved either. Nothing this permenantly.. damaging.

Their whims however, gnaw at my nerves.. now. From one day to the next, my understanding is getting rubbed raw.. from tuning my responses to suit your mood swings. But when i try to be rigid, inflexible, the guilt thaws THAT out.

So you see.. its important that I get away.. and soon.

Revisited.

I have everything I could wish for.. Its all here already..

These days I pray.. And when I pray, other then praying for family and friends getting into heaven.. I pray, really pray hard to be... that way..

I hope Allah is granting that.. Cz I am finding it hard to live with myself lately.