Nothing will change..

Nothing will change :( I will just keep waiting for better things to come up :( And nothing will change. Nothing will happen. I just need a reason. I just need an excuse to get out of here. Cz i know you dont care even as you do. You dont care cz you never cared for people like me and you never will. I just wish it'd stop :( That i stopped feeling like its such a loss for me :( That you realized how bad it feels and felt.. just honestly felt for me, for us :(

nothing will change.. i need to get out of here.. this wont last..

Second best.

Okay. this is called for. Rant time!! I fucking HATE being your second best! full stop. the end.

:(

wow..

Virtual stranger.. a friend's friend.. someone i dont even talk to much.. read up my msn space and mailed me this. Strange :) but really sweet. i's touched. . :)

'Hi *****.. i had sm time so thought i'd write u an email... every one just took of for lunch and i didnt feel like it and this is better than sitting around doing nothing... :) but yeah sending emails that might effect smone in a good way hopefully is always better you seem to be silent a lot these days.. even though havent talked to u much and all and i really cant say if that the case.. but it seems to be.. then i read your blog and the latest enteries.. find a way to share that pain girl.. i know this time is hard.. i can speak from experience.. coz i know i would share experiences as i just had with my friends too.. one of them who is now dead and it hurts when i think of him... deleting his number from the phone book, his email id forever closed. that nick frozen in time.. they just make u sad when you see that smiling face.. and the memories of the plans you made that wont eever be fullfilled... i know times like the convocation and all are hard to get thru with when you dont have your best friend around.. the pain of missing them never goes away.. but one shouldnt always let that stay bottled up.. you asked Allah to save you.. when you know that to save oneself you have to believe that all will be ok.. to get to the point when you can rem your friend with a smile instead of a tear..

bring peace to your heart dear girl.. you'll bring peace to other's too.. sleepless nights spent crying into pillow's... dreams of memories that could have been... they all normal.. dont feel different if you have all that.. that is just human.. but also know that sitting around you can always find that one person who knows what you feel and can understand that totally.. no one is ever alone in this world.. its too small a place to be alone..

im sure you miss her.. with papers and all coming over.. sessions that you both probably made fun of all seem to be dead weights as its just you there and no one to make fun with... keep her with you at all times.. coz the one thing a person always wishes for is to be remembered.. i know i'd certainly want that.. but you should also know that it would pain them too to see someone they cared about so in pain.. getting mad, angry and pissed are all human reactions..

keep smiling girl.. the memories will always be there.. dont let go of them.. but just gradually turn those tears accompaning them into smiles.. you'd be making someone's day ...

rem im always around.. i've been thru this too.. i've spent the nights staying awake.. but it does get better.. take care girl you can always find me online or msg me on this number 0301*******... anytime of the day or night.. if you feel alone
Bye
Me'

i believe in one thing.. always have.. dont say something about caring for another unless you really mean it. and once you mean it there should be nothing at all that makes you go back on it. If someone says they care.. i expect it to last forever. if i say i care, i know i am saying it will last. thats why i am so careful about expressing..

i dont know whats going on
i dont know what to do. or how to think.
i dont know how i deserve this. or what i did to bring it about. especially from you.
but i know i have been horrible to ammi and aunty. i have been so careless and hurt them. and now if i am hurt and cant see why you are doing this.. then probably its the same thing coming back for me. goes around comes around. the whole deal. so yes. in that context i totally deserve it.

and i just lost the whole point of this babble...

Home.

I don’t want to come back home
I cant hope to face this alone.
My sanctuary feels just like hell.
I don’t ever want to enter this room.

Good riddance to this lifetime.

silence.

pain. it comes swift- slow- a dull ache always at the back of my mind. my heart hollow, as if fresh air were knocked out of it for a split second.. then that second stretched into an eternity..

I imagine you sitting at the brink of oblivion.. where echos of a thousand lives shatter against the void. and chaos collide within me each day to blend and stretch into silence.

silence that brings anything but peace.
silence..
yours.

Here with me.

Existance is no more than a haze I struggle to look past each day. Unclear. Unreal. Time passes.

i miss you.. i miss you terribly.. i miss you all the time. and what fucking makes it so hard is believing in ends. in ends of life. in no other ways that i can meet you again..

my head hurts.