Why..

But then I get angry. I am not really angry. Its just a whim.

Glad to clutch at straws, moments, excuses. I am not passionate, I just test those feelings. Make people my pawn, feel what I yearn to, let these feelings go. And in all that, these people.. I dont even own to begin with.

Cz.. why would I want something, I dont want, in the first place?


Why do I want someone.. I dont want, in the first place..

but no one would listen.. cz no one else cared..

How long would you wait till you would allow yourself to explore the possibility.. one of the many possibilities you let go of, each day, day by day.

And one of them could have changed your life.
Could have changed my life.

But you know, I can live like this, easily..
Whats harder is to find something worth.. feeling for.

UGH!

WHATS THE FUCKING USE! OF WANTING SOMETHING THAT YOU DONT WANT!?!?!

Whats the fucking use????

GOD! I HATE this utter fucked up stupidity!

Animal.

I cant stand knowing that you suffer. are suffering.

Its a loss. a total loss. I dont know where my logic is going. but its holding me steady, telling me, its alright.

is it alright? why do you talk to me that way? why do you tell me? why did you tell me anything? why did we choose to come close, knowing better?

i have always been cautious.. there just never has been anything worth going all the way for.. But you were right. you could understand. you had trust that if i put my mind to it nothing could stand in my way. and you were absolutely right. nothing could.. nothing can.

its me. i stood in our way. and i am so guilty.. for thinking.. for not helping this anymore than i could, standing in their sphere of acceptance. i am sorry, for not burning my bridges. i am sorry, for not giving my all, i am sorry, for not choosing you. i am sorry i was, i am, so confused.

and i have this self.. hatred. like one i have not felt for years now. i feel like an animal. i feel like i fed on your emotions without any conscience. no, fed on OUR feelings, without thinking. i knew better. i knew better..

i am your culprit.