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I cant sleep. i cant shake off this horror. i cant go hug ammi. i am afraid she wont stay. i want her to stay. i cant shake off ayesha from my mind. i cant shake off how she lay for months, from one hospital to another, one icu to another, one shunt operation to another. i cant block the pain she was in from my mind. i cant block how she must have felt not knowing what will happen. i cant block how there was no escape. From the disease, from the pain, from the hospital room with nothing to do but think. The brief period she came home she kept touching the walls, her things, her stuff and she kept crying. She missed home. i miss her so much. i cant stop thinking of what has happened to her. i don’t want death for anyone i know. Not my parents. No one. I don’t want time to pass. Please Allah restore my faith. i cant shake off this terror. I want to talk to someone. i want to talk to faras. he would know what its like. Allah please come back in my heart. I don’t know any better. I don’t know all i imagine and pretend. I cant see the whole picture. I am sorry i strayed. Please come back..
posted by Chrysalis at 7:16 AM
17 Comments:
I can't understand your past. But I can understand your fear.
Everything will be fine, insha'Allah.
Allah is with you. He never left. He never does.
My words may seem empty but I assure you that I pray that Allah helps you in restoring this faith better than before.
You see, faith exists as you speak. You are calling to Him. That is faith. You need Him. That is faith. And Allah knows and appreciates that. Believe it.
He is closer to you than you think...
It's a very known Du'a. I'm sure you must have heard of it too...
Rabb'ila tazarni fardua'n wa'anta khair'ul waritheen
O my Rab, do not leave me alone, verily You are the Best Waris.
Ameen.
God is with you. He is.
*hugs*
Was Ayesha thalassemiac?
And we all die, fear is hard to subdue. And i tell you what, its good to be afraid of death at times.
P.S
I am not a psychology student, I had been a reader though. And also a collector. And been in touch with two pyscholigists, you know them both :)
Try finding out that essay I asked you to, you'll definitely like it.
As for karisteva, did it make you think? If so, what? that is the reason I asked for comments. I collect interpretations of texts by people, and their stories.
You see, faith exists as you speak. You are calling to Him. That is faith. You need Him. That is faith. And Allah knows and appreciates that. Believe it.
Thanks Majaz.. they dont sound empty at all. Feel so much better.
Badar, Ayesha had two brain tumors. One of them on the third stage. Found out too late. She died this ramadan, the first friday, a holy day.
hm madiha is a psychologist too?
The difference between Mahwash and Madiha is the difference between industry and academia!
Both excel, howevers!
+ please read this, thanks!
And both have the same initials
.
.
.
M.A
Hey - InshAllah things will be fine. Don't worry! I can't say much but just to let you know people care :)
*hugs again*
Psychology or not, a jhappi can do magic.
Ayesha is in my prayers now. May Allah give her a place in His Javaar e Rehmat. Ameen. He is with you, my dear Hymn of a Jacynth. Just hold on....
I wanted to add one more thing.
Surah Baqarah.
"Ay mere Nabi, jab mere bandey mere baray main ap se savaal karen, toh keh dijye ke main un ke bohat nazdeek hoon. Aur har pukarney walay ki dua sunta hoon, jab kabhi bhi woh pukaray aur qubool karta hoon."
That's the Quran for you.
:) see majaz i dont know any better.. thank you *hugs*
I am sitting at my home just outside of Boston in the US, feeling so distant from God, wondering how I got so lost. My life has been filled with death for months now. Our worlds are so very different, yet you are speaking for me. May we both find our way back.
Anonymous, i want to know more.. if you ever wander here again, please leave me your email address as a comment if you are okay with doing so. i will delete the comment once i have it.
& Ameen.
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What do you not know better, if you have already asked Him to come back - when He never left? You have all you need in the very vicinity of your consciousness.
:)
You said something like that in one of your posts too, remember? Only I think THAT time it was slightly negative... but here's to the miracle of words, that can change faces with context so easily...
And Madiha is a psychologist, teaching. I am still in the process of becoming one.
:)
And it's all the more strange that Badar is neither a student of philosophy nor psychology but has the penchant to know about these subjects more than many disciples of this course. He's a very capable man. ;)
Majaz! You will make onehellova psychologist, InshAllah! Thank you much and much. Its not just slightly negative.. its very negative. Once i talked to a friend, hoping some talking would turn some opinions around and found to my horrors that i was influencing instead of getting influenced as i had hoped! that sucked. Never again.
Talha, you know people i know!
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Influence is really a time/situation-oriented thing. And it always works with prior basis.
And yes. Will need all the prayers of love you send my way :)
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