Mad world.

I guess.. if you have concepts of freedom of the mind, you dont really know where it ends. And whether its okay as long as it remains in the head and we dont go and act upon it.

I guess i shocked them by saying i support gay people, or that you best mind your own faith/religion/whatever it is and worry about others later. Thats not how everyone thinks? Well thats shocking.

There are people who, as they grew out of whatever mold their culture and parents and society fashioned them into, they start believing in new concepts, growing more confident in their own assessments and radars and thinking. i mean, two decades on the planet, and you sorta learn your footing in the world. Not to say their beliefs cant be utter bullcrap. not to say what they were fed before was not utter bull to begin with.

But where does it end? they question religion yet they tie themselves up in the "holy bonds of eternal metrimony", they believe that their instincts and experiences are giving them truths that lets them ridicule blind faith and yet question what it means to be gay, or transgender. Who is the real freak of nature?

They believe they have found the true path for themselves based on a skewed assessment that they call enlightment. Do you really know? what do you really know? What does anyone who teaches us so much, who made these rules in the society, created these institutions and deemed it as THE thing to do.. education, a job, Marriage, kids.. after so many centuries is that really how far we got to?

If i had a choice, i would say fuck all and go my own way.

so thats what those insane ones have been ranting about all along..

I allowed myself to open up today. I allowed myself to change, and to develop. I allowed myself to look for and explore and experience information and sources i denounced or didnt cant for before. i allowed myself a purely spiritual path,of looking and observing and noticing, signs all over the place. and the world, the whole universe, each and every part of it started speaking to me, in the most inate most basic language. it started talking so factually, yet only when i looked at those things, when those things sensed that they had my attention did they start speaking.

things i thought were bullshit, are they for real? they seem to be.

it feels like i am opening up to a purity, a spirituality, that we shun because it defies the laws of physics and bodies and the five sense as we know and understand them. it closes our minds these text books. it disrupts our vision, the vastness that we hold in our ability to see and understand and breath in volumes upon volumes of information from inanimate objects, from the ground the signs, the plants the leaves, the stone, that person who looked at me twice, the person who sensed me and moved to give me way, everything.

i can see it, i can feel it. i dont need a language or words to communicate, i can sense it, and that same inate sensual language i can understand as i seek it and i look for it more and more.

i cant believe i denied myself this life for so long. i cant believe i did not even allow that side of me to come out and play. i cant believe that i never used it. i cant believe that i didnt care.. TO SEE.

Thank you..

For saving me.

i am a witch =)

i am such a Witch inside.. and i am happy.. i laugh at the man you think pretty, cz i think hes so ugly.. even before i knew the inner distortion, the out repelled me.. and i laugh inside.. secretly, though not really caring if you know, not really caring if you dont.. but who am i to pop your bubble? who are you to pop mine? :)

and you, i have never known anyone, so whole, so perfect. and such a disaster. no worries. i will fix you up, i have just the craft for these trivial trivial things, as long as the basics are the ones you got, i will melt in the superficial the snazzy the oh so cool. but only if its a bother, and its so not a bother. stay the disaster, love, stay that peculiar odd disaster.

cz really, the more ugliness i see, the more easy it is to recognize beauty.

Like the stark reality that comes..

In smoked mirrors and rain..

I brush these sensations away like water droplets.. so.. defenseless.. yet so precious.. it can become the sea, you see.. it can drown me.

And how do i explain to you, who you are.. i cant let you build up, i cant let you realize, what a legend you are.. what a fairytale..

Its you i am protecting. Its not for me.

Cz you know, i was born indifferent, detached. I was born, uncaring, careless, cold. i was born, distant. i can handle what you are, i can take who you are and still be able to let it go. i keep my emotions in strict reigns.. it hurts me a lot, hurts me for years.. and it doesnt even touch me.

but not you, so warm, so loving, so lovable. you risk your life, your heart, your soul, so recklessly..

How can i let you hurt, when you stand at my mercy..

How can i let you break, in my very embrace?

Exactly what, I think of you.

Living alone by yourself, is hard.

But.. its still better than living with a Bastard.

Wouldn't you agree?

Dawn.

And i want to.. take all the scattered bits and pieces.. of love and wonder.. sunshine, beauty.. happiness.. pick up all those that connected with the pieces and mold them into this ONE person.. the person I will then decide to live with for the rest of my life.. the person that doesn’t exist. But if you did, oh if only you did, you would be everything. And I would relive with you each and every one of the wonder I felt in the past, share with you, each and every one of the wonder I feel in the present, anticipate all that I foresee in the future.

Define me your greatest wish.. I just met mine.

All they were.

I was addicted.. SO addicted.. to being the saviour.

And that was all, that all those love stories were.

Fools to understand.

So I say it.. then I trivialize it..

cz i cant expect fools.. to understand.

All my life my heart has yearned for something I cannot name.

So much life wasted. In hunger and tears. And that explicable want to end the search, to find that one soul.. that one connection.. that one redemption...

And even now.. even today, what i supposedly have.. i dont really have.

All my life, i have yearned for something, I could call my own.

I can Never..

Sometimes all I have been given by Allah Miyan astounds me.. is there a way to give thanks to the magnitude of gratitude I feel? I can never thank enough..